Angry Seniors are our Specialty
Why the Angriest Seniors are our Specialty
In 2004, when we set out to start our 24-Hour Senior Home Care Company, our mission was to serve the daily needs of the Senior Citizens in Central Ohio. The Seniors we serve at home have a vast knowledge of all the high end, expensive facility options that Columbus has to offer. Our Seniors have toured many of these facilities. Some of our senior clients have lived in these facilities. Options were weighed, costs were compared, and our clients made the decision to receive the care they needed in the place of greatest comfort. Our clients receive care in the comforts of their own home. Even the angry ones. In 25 years of Senior Home Care, I have only met two kinds of seniors, the Independent and the FEROCIOUSLY INDEPENDENT!
Aging Happy or Aging Angry
From day one back in 2004, receiving care from Always There Home Care never mandated that our senior care recipients had to be friendly. However, In an overwhelmingly lopsided way, the seniors we feel so fortunate to have served- have been just what you may expect a senior to be.
Talk to any senior for any length of time and you will quickly come to learn that “aging isn’t for wimps”-a phrase we hear daily. As we age our hearing and vision decrease, our muscle mass declines, our balance wanes, our skin becomes paper thin. All of these features change our body with a hefty price. 
When served in large quantities, life as an elderly person is inherently difficult. Add the loss of a spouse, or saying goodbye to many of your life long friends who’ve left the world long before you were ready to see them go.
“Living a long Life is a GUARANTEE of depression.”
-Every Senior, ever.
Now if you’ve Survived any of these life obstacles, that’s only the start of the party. As one of our beloved gentlemen clients would say “Nobody gets through this thing alive”.
To describe 95% of our senior clients, we could use words like Kind, Appreciative, Gentle, Honest and Open to form new relationships with our amazing hand picked team of caregiving specialists. These prototypical seniors are so very easy to love. Once our team has gotten to know their senior client and their unique history? it’s forever easier to appreciate their challenges and their qualities. But, the angry ones? They are the easiest seniors to love.
How Do you Love an Angry Senior?
Anger. Frustration. Veiled silence. Stammering. Withdrawing. These are surface emotions. When we need to understand is that directly under the surface of these emotions, is where we can learn how best to serve someone experiencing them.
Life is patently unfair. Often, so too are the outcomes that started with great hope and seemingly everlasting love. But the love that made us, doesn’t always age well. We surrender ourselves to relying on commitments made in love that life seem only to elude our grasp. Aging is also unfair, starting with the reality that not everybody gets to live long enough to experience whatsoever, and some of us live to 100 years old while smoking a pack a day of Marlboro Reds, drinking Budweiser and still mowing the grass.
For the rest of us, as we age, we are facing new pains and physical mysteries on a daily basis. When we don’t automatically feel good, it’s easy to understand why someone could present as “mad as hell” when in fact they are actually “misunderstood as hell”. Without fail, these curt interactions, and seemingly angry demeanors we find on the surface are just a defense or a coping mechanism for something deeper under the surface.
Our care team knows that there is a difference between expressed anger and out of balance care needs. Here’s one reason it’s easy to show love to an “Angry Senior”. Anger is the easiest tell at the poker table. These expressions of anger, or otherwise ugly emotions weave no mystery we can’t unravel. We know that the simple comforts a caregiver can provide will turn the tide of these emotions in the seniors favor when angry outbursts are exchanged for kind and thoughtful care measures.
Can you identify with your own anger? What are you like when you pull your back out? What about when you haven’t had your coffee yet? No wonder so many seniors enjoy themselves a daily cocktail!
When we see Anger, we know it’s actionable
A dozen years ago, we had the distinct pleasure of caring for a husband and wife who were both wheelchair bound. If Henry and Eve (names changed for privacy) were unhappy, they would certainly let you know it. As it turns out, Eve was able to do most of her own personal care, but it was the things around the house that she mostly needed help with.
“Eve, I’ve never had to go so bad in my whole life!”
One day, Eve called me and she was FURIOUS. I explained to her when she called that I preferred to be yelled at in person, and quickly hopped in the car to see what had made her so upset. In driving to see her, I knew I was giving Action to Anger. This isn’t easy, but it’s effective. As I drove, I thought back to Eve & Henry’s care plan. Among the numerous things that Eve would ask for our teams assistance with INSIDE the home, Eve had asked our team to water some potted plants OUTSIDE on her back patio.
One of the potted plants was small tree sized and that morning, it had fallen over. This was the surface source of her anger, but not being able to pick up the tree herself was what put Eve over the top with her frustrations. When I investigated, I found some raccoon footprints were littered among the dirt on the ground. In addition to righting the plant, and sweeping up the dirt, Eve asked if I could water the plant. In efforts to lighten the mood, I changed the garden hose spray setting to ‘water gun’ and concealed the hose in front of me. From Eve’s purview, it looked as though instead of “watering” the plant, I was actually relieving myself on it. While doing so, I shouted: “Eve, I’ve never had to go so bad in my whole life” to Eve’s howling laughter. When I left to say goodbye that day, Eve grabbed my face and both of my cheeks got two kisses.
Our client Mr. Redmond (name changed for privacy) was a high powered lawyer in his younger years. His home is a hall of fame of framed articles that had been written about his actions in law suits, his distinguished degrees and his accomplishments. Almost nothing gives him more joy than sharing stories about how ferocious he was both in the courtroom and as legal council to powerful firms in Columbus, Ohio over his career.
Mr. Redmond still survives, and his sword has only sharpened over the years. Mr. Redmond is more in his element delivering harsh words than kind ones, particularly if he is uncomfortable. Thoughtfully, in his younger years, Mr. Redmond had elected to purchase Long Term Care Insurance and each month, our office files his paperwork diligently in order to allow him full access to his care benefits.
No Fax? No problem!
One day, Mr. Redmonds long term care insurance company had made a decision to abruptly change a procedure that hadn’t evolved in the 4 years we had served our client. The insurance company had made a change to no longer receive report submissions via fax. The only problem was they didn’t tell any of the providers who have worked very hard to ensure their required monthly paperwork was handled in a timely fashion. When our reports were not received, the Long Term Care provider sent a form letter, advising Mr. Redmond that his benefit would be ending due to non-compliance.
Mr. Redmond assumed we were at fault, and had abandoned our paperwork handling methods and that after 48 months of timely reports being filed via fax, we had just decided to skip one. To put it mildly, Mr. Redmond was ENRAGED. His old corporate attorney bulldog demeanor came out. Shortly after an angry phone call, I arrived in-person and entered the lions den to help remedy the situation. Just as was the case of Eve, Mr. Redmond was expressing anger that had more to do with the physical pain he has been suffering than his current situation with his insurance company. It reminds us, the Roar is always worse than the bite. Within a few moments together, tensions calmed and we had discovered the problem and a remedy. Turns out as we strive to understand the source of anger, we also become better advocates and caregivers.
When we walk a mile in the shoes of our ‘angriest’ senior home care clients, during their most difficult moments, we come to learn that they really aren’t angry at us. They aren’t even usually angry at anybody. They are in pain. They are hungry. They can’t keep track of their appointments. Their home is a mess. They don’t have fresh food. Maybe it’s that the rules changed on them. A spouse died, or disease has taken every single tooth in their mouth. Aging hurts. It’s ok to be mad about it. But it’s also ok to work through the anger in hopes of finding comfort. That is often my job, and it is always the job of our team of caregivers. Giving action to anger, and using Caring Actions to provide comfort are the best ways to soften Anger.
My Mom (or Dad) is just TOO angry for help
I have had many adult children of seniors say this to us. “my parent is impossible”. Here’s the good news. They aren’t! The remedy for “impossible” is only found by taking the actual time to work through each and every one of the barriers to comfort that is being masked by the anger or the behavior. Presenting a care plan with actions that address all of these barriers to their comfort is exactly how we are going to go about providing care to those deemed “too angry for help”.
We are honored to have served the seniors in Columbus, Ohio for 20 years. We are determined to help even the most difficult of seniors. I can assure you, we have met angrier seniors than your Mom or Dad and we hope to help your grumpy senior loved one as well.
Ben Smith is the Founder, President and C.C.I.C. (Chief Caregiver In Charge) at Always There Home Care. Great care begins with a great conversation. Call or text Ben Directly to begin your great conversation. (614) 649-0684.
Always There Home Care has served in Columbus, Ohio for 20 Years. Our motto “Your Home. Your Rules. Our Care.” means your loved one doesn’t have to change the way they live their life to receive care. Reach out to us to learn how we can help. If you enjoyed this message, please Share this article with someone we may help.
